The Eyes Have it - a precautionary tale

How being conscious and present is vitally important and paying attention to your body and what it says is key.

Good (early) morning everyone. I haven’t written on this stack for the last week and this might be my last post for a little while now, but I wanted to stop in and let you know what’s happening and why I’ve gone so quiet.

I’m having a bit of a health crisis right now (I think that’s an appropriate term?), and it means that I’m going to be undergoing surgery on my eye in about 3 1/2 hours’ time.

Let’s take a step back

About seven years ago, in my late 50s, my middle sister and I were taking care of our oldest sister (who was my present age at the time - what a shock to the system that notion is!) as she underwent treatment for very aggressive brain cancer - glioblastoma multiforme. It was one of the most stressful times of all of our lives - and within weeks of her passing, both my middle sister and I had developed cataracts. Mine were so bad that I was right on the edge of being legally blind and not able to drive except during the day.

I ended up having cataract surgery, which was successful. My eyes—which had been shortsighted since I was about 4 years old—could see perfectly. It was a revelation, and I was grateful for this one branch of medicine that I think worked brilliantly!

At the time, the doctor warned me that having had this surgery and also having been very shortsighted to begin with meant that my risk was increased for a retinal tear or detachment, and I should be aware of that.

I filed that bit of information in the back of my mind, where it stayed.

The universe tried to tell me

I may or may not have mentioned here that when I returned from my trip to the US, I got really sick and ended up finding a local GP who is definitely on the same page and who I think is wonderful. I am also seeing a naturopath who works in the same practice and have started making some really positive changes to my lifestyle. Huzzah!

Anyway, he is treating me with supplements that I think are working but also spoke with me about meditation and the importance of being present and conscious which are concepts that was very foreign to me - don’t laugh! I was raised with scientism and am only now, in the last few years, really coming to understand the role the conscious and subconscious mind and spirit play in our lives.

Why am I bringing this up? If I had been more present, I might not have been sitting here waiting to go to the hospital for surgery.

Missed warning signs

As closely as I can recall, it was Friday last week when I noticed a couple of new floaters. I do get floaters from time to time, so I wasn’t really concerned. I kept thinking there was a fly and swotted at it before realising it was just my eyes.

Big mistake! New floaters are a classic sign of a potential tear in the retina. I know that now…

Saturday, I got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. I didn’t put the light on but I felt that there was something odd about my left eye. I covered my right eye and noticed that there seemed to be a dark area in the upper right-hand quadrant that I wasn’t seeing clearly. I thought - that’s odd - and went back to sleep.

By the morning, it was gone, and I went my merry way. If I had gone to get it checked out on Sunday (why do these things always seem to happen on the weekend?), it’s possible a less interventionist treatment would have fixed it. But if wishes were horses…you know the drill.

Monday, I noticed the darkness towards the afternoon but pushed it to the back of my mind. By Tuesday morning, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

I called the office of the surgeon who performed my cataract surgery and explained what was happening to the staff. They told me to get an emergency appointment with my local optometrist, which I did. They saw me within the hour.

The news was not good

The optometrist was lovely and very gently told me that my retina had torn away from the macula at the back of my eye, and it was quite serious, and I needed to be seen right away. He called a couple of surgeons for me and found a really good one. My husband took me straight there and he examined my eye and said that I needed surgery and explained what would be done.

There was no time for a second opinion, but sometimes, you just need to trust. This surgeon performs this sort of operation all the time and is very experienced. That doesn’t mean I’m not terrified…

The procedure is called a Vitrectomy. I will spare you the gory details but you can look it up if you feel so inclined.

The recovery time could be short - or it could be long - but I will not be allowed to use the computer for at least a week, and even after that, my time on this device will be limited for a while.

Prayers are welcome

Though you know I’m not a believer in religion, I do have a deep belief in God, so any prayers would be appreciated. I’m just a big sook and would take comfort in that.

I also have so many things I have wanted to write about over this last little while but my world has gotten rather small over this time - just my family and me. I will be back.

Why eyes?

I did think it was rather odd since this is the third time in recent years that someone in our community has had serious eye problems.

First was Aneeta Halfmeister - current AVN President - who had a bad fall from her horse, causing a concussion that affected her optic nerve. She now has to permanently wear a patch over one eye in order to function.

Next was the amazing journalist and author, Jennifer Margulis, who actually lost an eye due to cancer! She handled that so bravely, and I followed her story with great sympathy and admiration.

Now, me.

So I am left asking myself - why eyes? And not getting an answer.

Cause unknown

As I said at the start, I had been told that I already had two risk factors for developing a retinal tear or detachment - extreme short-sightedness and cataract surgery.

But of course, in thinking back over this past few weeks to see if there might have been a trigger, there’s only one thing that comes to mind and it could be totally unrelated.

Less than a week before the floaters started, I was making dinner and I took down my bottle of apple cider vinegar to make a dressing.

As you would know, there can be a bit of sediment at the bottom of the bottle so I gave it a shake, not realising it wasn’t closed all the way. A drop of the vinegar got into my left eye.

Man, did it ever hurt! I immediately bathed it in water and it stung for about 20 minutes. The episode was then forgotten.

Can getting an acid splashed into your eye be something that could have caused this?Or was this unrelated? I don’t know. But it does make me question.

And I also know that if I had been more present in my body, I would have been alert for signs and gone to check sooner.

Sight is precious

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone?

In the inimitable words of Joni Mitchell, you really don’t seem to appreciate what you’ve got until you lose it - or the loss is tangible rather than potential.

Because a section of my retina has completely torn away from the Macula at the back of my eye, and been off for a few days’ time, it’s possible that it was starved of oxygen and nutrients and it may never recover.

My husband and I were driving to our hotel (the hospital is not near us so we are staying nearby) yesterday when the most amazing thing happened.

The doctor described the section of my sight that is missing as a curtain and that is an excellent description. It is as if a rather jagged, nearly opaque piece of dark voile material had been thrown across my vision on a diagonal. It is visible and it blocks my sight.

Well yesterday, in the car, the curtain lifted and it stayed lifted for several hours. I kept covering my right eye and, though I could see the very faint line of where the tear was, the part where the dark curtain was was simply a faint golden colour. If I didn’t know the tear was there, I wouldn’t have even noticed it.

I took it as a sign that my beautiful rods and cones - my retina - was still alive and was fighting to get back where it belongs. If I’m delusional, I don’t want to know about it! Let me have my dream for a little while longer, please.

Today, the curtain is back in all its dark glory, but I’m clinging to the hope and feeling of that time and as I looked out the window while we were driving, I really NOTICED everything around me and appreciated it more than I had for a long time, I’m ashamed to say.

The world is an amazing, stunning and fascinating place. The people in it are worth knowing and loving. And if we all would concentrate on those two facts, we could bring about changes in our own lives that would be worth seeing and experiencing.

I will ask my husband to read your comments to me in a couple of days and will try to reply when I’m able, but that might not be possible, depending on how much time it will take for me to recover.

So I will thank you all in advance for your kind wishes and thoughts and for being here and reading my rambling. Love and best wishes to you all!